While Reading Celebrity Gossip Magazines I Always-

1. Roll my eyes at myself- really, who cares about this celebrity world
2. Keep turning the pages, because yes, I do care
3. Pick which dress I would wear when they dedicate a whole 2-page spread on ladies in dresses and gowns
4. Laugh at the ridiculousness of the "Stars- They're Just Like Us" section that shows them pumping gas, looking for their keys, or shopping at the farmer's market. Is that sort of thing supposed to give my "boring life" some sort of validation?
5. Think- I could be friends with her!
6. Get anxiety thinking about how awful it would be being photographed in a bikini. For a magazine. To me, that earns them some sympathy and million-dollar paychecks. If someone snapped away while I hoisted my 25 pound toddler up at the Webster Groves pool toddler time, I would expect something pretty awesome in return.
7. Am thankful I only read these mags on vacation because if they were always around me, I'd always want to buy more clothes, wear ball gowns, jet of to the south of France (can't we just say south France?), and dress my children like hip-hop stars. None of those are really a possibility. Except dressing my kids like hip-hop stars, but that's a bit ridiculous, as our life is opposite of hip-hop.
8. Often disagree with the Fashion Police's Worst Dressed photos
9. Consider how awful it would be with a drawn-on arrow pointing to my belly with "is that a bump?" written next to it. I only weigh 118 pounds, and I often have what could be perceived as a second trimester bun in the oven.
10. Get irritated when the editors try to feel better about what they are doing by publishing a 3 page story about a cancer survivor, a rape victim, or a serial killer brought to justice. What does that have to do with celebrity gossip? Sadly, that might be the only real "news" some people expose themselves to. Sorta like the old ladies who refer to the National Enquirer as "the paper."
11. Pleasantly shocked with random bits of celebrity trivia like that Diane Lane has a permanently dilated pupil or that Olivia Wilde was a former competitive eater.
12. Reminded that the most talented people in Hollywood aren't at all the most photographed.
13. Proud of myself for not recognizing any "Teen Moms" that are so popular in those magazines.
14. Gag a little when they show a typical day of eating for a celeb. Yeah right, I say. But maybe you say that about my "What I Ate Today" lists. I don't know. I just can't believe regular people eat that much salmon and broccoli, says the girl who eats that much bulgur wheat and garbanzo beans.
15. Love when they show close-ups of their feet. You can be styled and made-up to be beautiful perfection, but there is nothing you can do to hide gnarly feet in a strappy heel (sorry, Katie Holmes, but you know it's true)
16. Hate when they show stars without make-up when they are clearly wearing make-up
17. Love when they show the inside of someone's home
18. Think the crosswords in the back are too easy to be considered crosswords.
19. Get ideas for future lists, like "Reasons Why I Love The Kardashian Sisters." Because I do.
20. Wonder if I would win out in a "Who wore it Best" battle between me and the lady at Whole Foods the other day who was sporting the same Lululemon tank and cropped pants as me.
21. Reminded that Jessica Simpson is one of my least favorite celebrities, despite her super cute shoe line and seemingly pleasant demeanor.
22. Like when they do the "look for less" pieces.
23. Love a special wedding issue

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